Why Does She Stay?

                                                       Why Does She Stay?

                                           It is Not Just About The Beatings!

When NFL player Ray Rice punched his then fiancé and mother of his child, Jaylan, knocking her unconscious and dragging her (though he could have quite easily carried her) out of an elevator, many who viewed the tape asked the question "Why did she stay with him?" Not only did she stay, but she married him several days later!

I do not know about the personal lives of  Mr. and Mrs. Rice, but the circumstances are not uncommon and the question "Why did she (or he) stay?" is one often asked by those not familiar with the circumstances surrounding domestic abuse. The reasons are many and most have to do with the complex nature of intimate partner abuse. In other words, it is not just about the beatings.

Of the 2 million injuries and 1,300 deaths each year in the United States resulting from domestic abuse, the most dangerous time is when the victim attempts to leave. Domestic abuse is about control, control of the victim and when the perpetrator feels the loss of control they will often increase the violence and the threats. The perpetrator may threaten to kill not only the victim, but their children, parents, other family members, and even pets. The victim, terrified the perpetrator will act on these threats, feels they must stay in order to save their own life as well as others. The perpetrator may also threaten to kill themselves. The victim often feels they cannot live with themselves should the suicide threat be carried out.

Very few abusive relationships are violent on a daily basis, instead there is often a cycle of abuse. The cycle begins with an abusive episode, after which the victim may threaten to leave and the remorseful abuser responds with pleas for forgiveness, promises to change, and demonstrations of gifts and affection. This is called the "honeymoon period." Jaylan Rice has probably enjoyed quite a honeymoon. They were quickly married, likely something she has wanted for a long time since they had been together since high school and have a child. He praises and thanks her publicly and is probably acting like the man she always wanted. Since he is wealthy the gifts are likely plentiful and expensive.

The "honey moon period" gives way to mounting tension between the couple. Most victims sense the coming abuse and attempt to modify their own behavior to prevent or they may provoke it, just to end the tension and get it over with. Inevitability the abuse will occur, bringing the cycle full circle.

Abuse is not only physical, it is psychological. Perpetrators often tell the victim if they leave no one will ever want them, they will be alone for the rest their lives, or you are too stupid to care for themselves. Even the most attractive and capable person will eventually come to believe such negative programing especially, if it comes from someone who has said they love them. Low self-esteem and doubt generates an absolute terror of being alone. A former client once told me about what would happen to her if she ended an abusive relationship, "I disappear." She believed this despite exceptional attractiveness and a college education.

Other reasons for staying include believing that abuse means love, "If you will get mad enough to hit me, you love me, just don't ignore me." Or "If you are jealous enough to hit me, then you most love me." This dynamic often occurs when the victim has witnessed or has been the victim of  abuse and neglect as a child.

Those with children may believe living in an a home with an abusive, violent relationship is better than being in a single parent home. In reality, witnessing abuse between parents is terribly damaging to children, teaching them to enter into their own abusive relationships.

Even in this day of more egalitarian marriages and information about the effects of abusive relationships, women are often told by male religious figures or family members, including their mothers, that it is her responsibility to keep the marriage together and she must be doing something to provoke the abuser. It is her duty to change her behavior.

Small wonder most abuse victims find it so difficult to leave or to press charges against the abuser. Men find it particularly difficult to admit to themselves and to others they are being abused by their female spouse. Gay or lesbian couple's may also find themselves caught in an abusive relationship. When a victim does find the motivation and the courage to leave the relationship, it is imperative that she or he find compassion, community support, and the resources to make this dangerous, total life change.